Hi my dear Penis! I am glad again to speak with you!

By the way, yesterday I had quite good evening with my friends. We reached in one club also there were there some hours. First we had the good supper and some glasses of champagne, then played bowling. Also danced.

Impressions have remained good, only when I saw , as some my girlfriends danced and kissed the men – I had small envy to them. I thought of you and represented for itself, what you beside Penis. That you too embrace me and whisper to me on an ear gentle words. And you Penis, when see around the in love airs people, – that recollect me? As frequently you with the friends reach in any bar or club? When you are in these places girls frequently try to get acquainted with you? To me very much frequently men approach and try to begin acquaintance, but I at once I help them to understand, that with me these things to fail.

Penis, I frequently I think above your messages and I understand, that you it is serious concerning me. I too do not look to our dialogue as on an entertainment, and I write you some very personal words and things, as to the close person. And I want to tell to you Penis, that I am glad, that at me is such the person – as you!

I wait for your messages and I think of you. Mine to you gentle Kisses!

Yours Kristina.

Wow, Kristina.  The old men sitting around in the Russian boiler room really kinda fucked up.  Or perhaps you’ve had a stroke.  You sent me this same email back on December 17th. 

It’s kind of a twisted, sexy, foreplay-laced twist on the Twilight Zone.

But, okay, I’ll play!  I’ll simply repeat my original response to your original email.

Oh, you playful little vixen, Kristina! How you toy with me! That’s not the photo of your pussy I have been dreaming of!

You asked how I like to spend my free time. My days are quite hectic, as next month I will take my software company public, and I have been unloading a hedge fund I control, so that I can focus my attention on the new public entity. As I am sure you can imagine, unloading $2.3 billion of stock without deflating share price through large block trades requires some ingenuity. In the meantime, two eBay auctions of American Girl clothing is keeping me mighty busy. I also like movies, soft rock, and Chinese food.

I sense that you, very much like me, are a true romantic. I, too, often dream of a romantic evening with a lovely person. And, like you, it can be supper or a simple walk. Or, sometimes, simply walking to get supper. There is no woman in my life right now. For a short while I was married, but it didn’t work out, in part because I had a crush on Kristin Chenoweth, whom my wife claimed she was “just another large-breasted midget nymphomaniac with a great smile.” My wife always hated women with great smiles.

I guess she was always just jealous. I’m not very jealous at all, and if spending the holidays with a large crowd pleases you, I would willingly spend Christmas or New Years with you and your cousins or friends. I am assuming, of course, that some of your cousins, or maybe your closest friends, are large-breasted nymphomaniacs with great smiles. Let me know, will ya?

Tell me, Kristina, do you like giving backrubs? I love a good massage. That’s one of my favorite ways to get intimate with a woman. I love getting to know her, hearing about her dreams and fears, learning all about her hopes and desires, her fantasies and her passions, as long as she’s rubbing my back and kneading my kneck as she’s yapping away. Do you like (giving) massages, Kristina? I hope so! I can usually tell if I have met my soulmate within the the first hour, or two, or three, of getting an erotic massage.

Thank you for the embraces. I long for the gentle warmth of your breath on the back of my neck. As you lean down to work on the crick just above my shoulder blades, I mean.

I look forward to your next email, my love.

Please write me soon, and continue to think of me as your favorite,

Penis xoxo

Hi my dear! I now read yours e-mail, and it was interesting to me to find out your opinion that I spoke you in my last message. Our exchange of opinions is interesting to me and I think, that now I can make some opinion on what your character.

Petey, I send you a new pictures. How to you Petey, I too would want to see more than your pictures. Dear, I would like to find out, how you like to spend the free time. I very cheerful person also think out Various entertainments for itself and the friends. To me to like to help them to make life interesting. It can be different things: Dances, cinema, parties or entertainments on the nature. But if to speak frankly in the last these entertainments give time I have less than pleasure. I frequently dream of romantic evening with the lovely person, it can be a supper or simply walk . I think, that in it there is a lot of charm.

You the romantic person Petey? Whether you think, sometimes, of such things? You like cosy evenings with the family? I very much love holidays when all family gathers, behind one table. It is very cosy and comfortable for me. And how you like to carry out holidays dear? What for you makes a cosiness and rest? Tell to me please about it Petey.

Petey, excuse me for a question: whether there is at you now any woman? I think, that you are good, as the man and To like many women. Because at me good taste, and you to like me. What your private life now, Please tell about it. Probably you have to me any frank questions? I shall answer them.

Write to me more in detail about the feelings and desires, to me to like to read, when you tell about yourself, I am ready To listen about it.

I wait for your messages.

My embraces.

Yours Kristina.

Kristina, I have not heard from you for 10 days.  I am very worried about you and the baby.  I thought we had really connected.  What’s going on?

Please write me and, more importantly, send more photos.

Peter

Kristina, I haven’t heard from you in days and I am wondering if you’re okay.  Was it something I said?  Something I didn’t say?  Were you abducted by aliens from a far away planet, like Pluto, maybe, which technically is a dwarf planet, not a planet, but you probably still consider it a planet over there in your country.

Last we communicated, you were feeling especially tired after a hectic day of dealing with your travel agent and setting up the backstory for an artful extortion, and I was concerned that maybe you were carrying my lovechild, through an immaculate conception effected over TCP/IP and an SMTP server.

Please write back so I know you and the baby are fine.

All my love,
Petey

Kristina, I’m a little worried since I didn’t hear back from you yesterday. I reread your email late last night and stared at your photos — as I often do while lying in bed wondering if I can come twice without the woman making me a sandwich in between — and I noticed that you mentioned being very tired twice in your last correspondence.

I’m wondering if your exhaustion is a sign of some dire physical condition. Maybe Cancer-related fatigue, or Fibromyalgia, peripheral arterial disease, or Trichomoniasis. Have your doctors run a contrast MRI, start you on steroids and high doses of prednisone, perform a biopsy, and check for a family history of neurological problems. I was pre-Med for two weeks back in college, and now I watch a lot of House. I know.

Of course the other possibility is that by writing to you many suggestive emails, sending you a photo of a random black man, and worshipping you and your nipples from afar, I have triggered some sort of Footloose-inspired Internet snowball of events, and gotten you pregnant.

Oh, Kristina! My love! My soulmate! We are having a lovechild, aren’t we?

I eagerly await your next email, your response and, especially, your next photos. Let me know what is going on.

I think we will have a wonderful life, the three of us. I am thrilled that your breasts will get much larger over the next months.

I love you.

Your Penis, Peter xoxo

Kristina, I can’t believe we will soon meet, and I can hold you, and touch you, and slurp on your neck, and then go fishing with your Dad! I can hardly contain my excitement! o s, imnr;orbsn;u excited! See? I was so excited, I typed half of that sentence with my fingers on the wrong keys!

The closest airport to me is Westchester County Airport (HPN) in White Plains, NY. I’m not sure anyone has ever flown in there from Moscow, but I am betting if you wear the white nipply shirt we spoke about earlier any pilot with a penis will redirect the flight for you.

On the money thing, I think you made a mistake laying out $200. My agent, whose name is Bond (James Bond), said that he could have done the paper work and got you the letters of transit for $50. The other option would be to fly through Casablanca, where my friend Ugarte also has letters of transit hidden in Sam’s piano at Rick’s place. But, I digress. I have spoken with two personal financial experts, Jean something and Suze Orman, and both of them assure me that we’d be better off arranging all travel from the States. You should probably send me money, and let me do the booking for you. We can talk more about that tomorrow.

What a wonderful holiday this is turning out to be! It’s a wonderful life. It’s a miracle on 34th Street. It’s a real Christmas story.

We shall be together soon, my love.

I remain,

Yours,

On multiple lines,

And with many commas,

Petey xoxo

Hi my dear! I am glad to welcome again you and I with impatience wait, when I can tell to you HI – personally. Thanks for your message. Peter, my day was very intense and is very tired. I reached in office of agency and signed with them the contract. In conformity with the contract, the agency will prepare me for all documents for travel, to buy for me the ticket and to deliver me to the plane. From my city there are no planes to you and consequently I all over again will need to reach to Moscow, and therefrom already to you. My agent needs some information for a route of the plane, inform me dear, the address and the nearest airport to you to which I shall arrive. This information is necessary tomorrow that the agent could develop route and to establish all cost of travel. Today I paid in him the first part of money, for the visa and other documents for travel. It was in some times more, than I thought. I planned, that the visa will cost for me about 90 $, but because of difficulties for its reception is was for me 200. dear, it is possible, that to me you will be required the help for payment of other part of cost of travel. I have some money still, and also took some money at my parents, but it is possible them will not suffice for payment of the second part of cost, for insurance and tickets. It will be known after the agent will develop a route. The second part of cost I should pay under the contract, before to take away the visa. I shall inform you Peter, if to be necessary for me the help. I hope, that it will not be a problem for you and I can not worry about it. I informed you all news about promotion of our meeting and now I go to have a rest, I am very tired today. I hope, what I can soon embrace you Peter. I wait for your messages my lovely . My kisses and embraces!

Yours Kristina.

P.S. Do not overlook to inform the address and the near airport.    

Kristina, that is soooooo exciting about the visa and your plans to come meet me, and the thought that together we “shall decide the question on payment of them.” I have, how you might say, “mine magnificent erection” at the prospect of soon meeting you and fondling your bare breasts.I think the first thing we do after you step off the airplane is get some food in you! Look at those skinny bones falling out of that bikini! I read somewhere that the average blowjob nets about 15 calories. So, that’s a quick 931 caloriies in the cab ride from the airport, assuming we stop along the way and get you a Burger King Double Beef Whopper (916 calories).

My travel agent says he can probably get a visa for a conjugal visit pretty cheaply. Let me know what number your guy comes up with, then I’ll let you know the cost my guy comes up with, and we can just go with whichever one is cheaper. I am sending you a photo of how I imagine you’d look if you try to extort me! LOL. Funny, right?

I am so full of lust right now, my dear. I can’t wait to see you in person, so we can exchange saliva and get to know each other even better. Please send some nude shots, and I promise not to post them on my blog.

Lovingly,
Peter xoxo

Hi my lovely ! I am glad to speak again with you! dear, I have good news to you. Today I have met the agent travel to learn concerning the visa. he has explained me a situation about reception of the visa to you. Your government has made more strict control over entrance to the country because of terrorism and consequently to receive to you the visa uneasy. But the agency will make it for me. The agent has told, that they recently already received some visas of tourists in your country. I am very glad , that we will not have with it big difficulties. I all over again had fears, that the agency cannot it to make or for this purpose very long time will be required. But the agent has told, that the visa will demand from them one week. Tomorrow I will need to reach in office of agency, to sign there the contract and also we shall decide question on payment of them. [Ed note:  I added the emphasis there so that you wouldn't miss it.]  Now it is time to me to go lovely to make photos for the visa and to fill in questionnaires for embassy. The agent has told, it should be is prepared tomorrow when I shall come to them to office. I very  pleased, that now our preparations have begun and through small time we shall be together! Write to me lovely ideas. I wait for your messages. Kiss of you!!! Yours Kristina.