Category Archives: Uncategorized

Evening with the friends [Again]


Hi my dear Penis! I am glad again to speak with you!

By the way, yesterday I had quite good evening with my friends. We reached in one club also there were there some hours. First we had the good supper and some glasses of champagne, then played bowling. Also danced.

Impressions have remained good, only when I saw , as some my girlfriends danced and kissed the men – I had small envy to them. I thought of you and represented for itself, what you beside Penis. That you too embrace me and whisper to me on an ear gentle words. And you Penis, when see around the in love airs people, – that recollect me? As frequently you with the friends reach in any bar or club? When you are in these places girls frequently try to get acquainted with you? To me very much frequently men approach and try to begin acquaintance, but I at once I help them to understand, that with me these things to fail.

Penis, I frequently I think above your messages and I understand, that you it is serious concerning me. I too do not look to our dialogue as on an entertainment, and I write you some very personal words and things, as to the close person. And I want to tell to you Penis, that I am glad, that at me is such the person – as you!

I wait for your messages and I think of you. Mine to you gentle Kisses!

Yours Kristina.20071218a.jpg


Re: Hello, gorgeous [Redux]

Wow, Kristina.  The old men sitting around in the Russian boiler room really kinda fucked up.  Or perhaps you’ve had a stroke.  You sent me this same email back on December 17th. 

It’s kind of a twisted, sexy, foreplay-laced twist on the Twilight Zone.

But, okay, I’ll play!  I’ll simply repeat my original response to your original email.

Oh, you playful little vixen, Kristina! How you toy with me! That’s not the photo of your pussy I have been dreaming of!

You asked how I like to spend my free time. My days are quite hectic, as next month I will take my software company public, and I have been unloading a hedge fund I control, so that I can focus my attention on the new public entity. As I am sure you can imagine, unloading $2.3 billion of stock without deflating share price through large block trades requires some ingenuity. In the meantime, two eBay auctions of American Girl clothing is keeping me mighty busy. I also like movies, soft rock, and Chinese food.

I sense that you, very much like me, are a true romantic. I, too, often dream of a romantic evening with a lovely person. And, like you, it can be supper or a simple walk. Or, sometimes, simply walking to get supper. There is no woman in my life right now. For a short while I was married, but it didn’t work out, in part because I had a crush on Kristin Chenoweth, whom my wife claimed she was “just another large-breasted midget nymphomaniac with a great smile.” My wife always hated women with great smiles.

I guess she was always just jealous. I’m not very jealous at all, and if spending the holidays with a large crowd pleases you, I would willingly spend Christmas or New Years with you and your cousins or friends. I am assuming, of course, that some of your cousins, or maybe your closest friends, are large-breasted nymphomaniacs with great smiles. Let me know, will ya?

Tell me, Kristina, do you like giving backrubs? I love a good massage. That’s one of my favorite ways to get intimate with a woman. I love getting to know her, hearing about her dreams and fears, learning all about her hopes and desires, her fantasies and her passions, as long as she’s rubbing my back and kneading my kneck as she’s yapping away. Do you like (giving) massages, Kristina? I hope so! I can usually tell if I have met my soulmate within the the first hour, or two, or three, of getting an erotic massage.

Thank you for the embraces. I long for the gentle warmth of your breath on the back of my neck. As you lean down to work on the crick just above my shoulder blades, I mean.

I look forward to your next email, my love.

Please write me soon, and continue to think of me as your favorite,

Penis xoxo

Hello, gorgeous [Redux]

20071217a.jpgHi my dear! I now read yours e-mail, and it was interesting to me to find out your opinion that I spoke you in my last message. Our exchange of opinions is interesting to me and I think, that now I can make some opinion on what your character.

Petey, I send you a new pictures. How to you Petey, I too would want to see more than your pictures. Dear, I would like to find out, how you like to spend the free time. I very cheerful person also think out Various entertainments for itself and the friends. To me to like to help them to make life interesting. It can be different things: Dances, cinema, parties or entertainments on the nature. But if to speak frankly in the last these entertainments give time I have less than pleasure. I frequently dream of romantic evening with the lovely person, it can be a supper or simply walk . I think, that in it there is a lot of charm.

You the romantic person Petey? Whether you think, sometimes, of such things? You like cosy evenings with the family? I very much love holidays when all family gathers, behind one table. It is very cosy and comfortable for me. And how you like to carry out holidays dear? What for you makes a cosiness and rest? Tell to me please about it Petey.

Petey, excuse me for a question: whether there is at you now any woman? I think, that you are good, as the man and To like many women. Because at me good taste, and you to like me. What your private life now, Please tell about it. Probably you have to me any frank questions? I shall answer them.

Write to me more in detail about the feelings and desires, to me to like to read, when you tell about yourself, I am ready To listen about it. 20071217b.jpg

I wait for your messages.

My embraces.

Yours Kristina.

Re: Hi, miss you

Kristina, I have not heard from you for 10 days.  I am very worried about you and the baby.  I thought we had really connected.  What’s going on?

Please write me and, more importantly, send more photos.


Re: Is my girl okay?

Kristina, I haven’t heard from you in days and I am wondering if you’re okay.  Was it something I said?  Something I didn’t say?  Were you abducted by aliens from a far away planet, like Pluto, maybe, which technically is a dwarf planet, not a planet, but you probably still consider it a planet over there in your country.

Last we communicated, you were feeling especially tired after a hectic day of dealing with your travel agent and setting up the backstory for an artful extortion, and I was concerned that maybe you were carrying my lovechild, through an immaculate conception effected over TCP/IP and an SMTP server.

Please write back so I know you and the baby are fine.

All my love,

Re: Hi, miss you

Kristina, I’m a little worried since I didn’t hear back from you yesterday. I reread your email late last night and stared at your photos — as I often do while lying in bed wondering if I can come twice without the woman making me a sandwich in between — and I noticed that you mentioned being very tired twice in your last correspondence.

I’m wondering if your exhaustion is a sign of some dire physical condition. Maybe Cancer-related fatigue, or Fibromyalgia, peripheral arterial disease, or Trichomoniasis. Have your doctors run a contrast MRI, start you on steroids and high doses of prednisone, perform a biopsy, and check for a family history of neurological problems. I was pre-Med for two weeks back in college, and now I watch a lot of House. I know.

Of course the other possibility is that by writing to you many suggestive emails, sending you a photo of a random black man, and worshipping you and your nipples from afar, I have triggered some sort of Footloose-inspired Internet snowball of events, and gotten you pregnant.

Oh, Kristina! My love! My soulmate! We are having a lovechild, aren’t we?

I eagerly await your next email, your response and, especially, your next photos. Let me know what is going on.

I think we will have a wonderful life, the three of us. I am thrilled that your breasts will get much larger over the next months.

I love you.

Your Penis, Peter xoxo

Re: Hi, miss you

Kristina, I can’t believe we will soon meet, and I can hold you, and touch you, and slurp on your neck, and then go fishing with your Dad! I can hardly contain my excitement! o s, imnr;orbsn;u excited! See? I was so excited, I typed half of that sentence with my fingers on the wrong keys!

The closest airport to me is Westchester County Airport (HPN) in White Plains, NY. I’m not sure anyone has ever flown in there from Moscow, but I am betting if you wear the white nipply shirt we spoke about earlier any pilot with a penis will redirect the flight for you.

On the money thing, I think you made a mistake laying out $200. My agent, whose name is Bond (James Bond), said that he could have done the paper work and got you the letters of transit for $50. The other option would be to fly through Casablanca, where my friend Ugarte also has letters of transit hidden in Sam’s piano at Rick’s place. But, I digress. I have spoken with two personal financial experts, Jean something and Suze Orman, and both of them assure me that we’d be better off arranging all travel from the States. You should probably send me money, and let me do the booking for you. We can talk more about that tomorrow.

What a wonderful holiday this is turning out to be! It’s a wonderful life. It’s a miracle on 34th Street. It’s a real Christmas story.

We shall be together soon, my love.

I remain,


On multiple lines,

And with many commas,

Petey xoxo